L is a funny business

So yeah... Remember that video I had ages ago? Hot N Cold? I never realized how much this video represents my life.

So right now, I can't help but wonder, as my girl Marit did, what's going on under the surface? Is it all a show or is it for real? Is it the pills taking you up and down, or is it you? Are you actually trying to push me away or is it my mind going all Single White Female on me? Am I projecting onto you? Is this my own insecurities? 

Why do you go from hot to cold? 

Fuck why am I so pathetically desperate? 

So, now that I'm officially a needy desperate twelve year old emo tween, I might as well turn it around. 

I'm a catch. Lets face it, it's true. Supremely true. 

I don't like my knees. They're so bulbous and round. I dislike them. 

25 things

I don't usually do these things... That's a huge lie. I always do these things. I'm supposed to tag a bunch of people, but I figure if I do the test thing this way, LOTS of people will look at it. 

1. I love the english language. I don't love reading, unless the story is really different and original. 
2. I would act for the rest of my life if I could. I love theatre. I've grown up on it and when I'm on stage, I feel like I'm doing something outstanding, even if the show sucks
3. I've been in three shows that I haven't enjoyed being in. But that's it. 
4. I love my dogs more then I love most people.
5. I secretly don't mind my job at blockbuster. But somedays I want to blow up my work. And sell the charred wreckage on ebay to the idiots who shop there. 
6. There are three people who have figured out where I'm ticklish. If they tell anyone I will kill them. 
7. I'm a mama's boy. I love my parents and respect them but I still want to live on my own. 
8. I have two female singers that I adore: Alanis Morisette and Marit Larsen. Kylie is just a cover. Mylie Cyrus is slowly creeping her way into my heart. You don't know if I'm kidding or not. 
9. My favorite movie of all time is Josie and the Pussycats. Deal with it. It's fucking awesome. 
10. I have written a couple novels. A Little Bit of Conversation in 2003, The Half Finished Act of Parson's Person in 2005, Sleepwalker in 2006, The Good Thief in 2007, Jane in the Agency in 2008 (A spy novel, still working on the title) And the Disciple Trilogy: The Invisible War in 2007, The Critical Time and the Deadly choice, both in 2008. I've also written a few plays. 
11. Every morning I have a banana wrap. They're delicious. Especially with cinnamon. 
12. I always think I'm fatter then I am. I know I'm not, but hey, the price of being average. 
13. I love mint choc chip ice cream. It's amazing. 
14. I want to create my own touring theatre company that goes into schools and incorporates the kids into the show. That'd be AWESOME. 
15. I know a lot of random facts about completely useless things. People think I'm smart, but I've actually just surfed wikipedia. A LOT.
16. I'm also really smart. Wikipedia helps with that too.
17. I've always hated cream eggs. 
18. I love to sing, but I'm never sure what I sound like or what people think of my voice. 
19. I love board games. My favorite is settlers of Catan. We still totally need to do a board game night. 
20. I want to be recognized for something. Be it write a best seller, or get a million hits on youtube... just something. 
21. My favorite fish/animal is the manta ray. They're the most amazing creatures in the world. 
22. I love writing. I've written poems, novels, plays... but I almost never write short fiction. I wonder what that's about. 
23. I love dancing and can swing dance. I've always loved to teach people as well
24. I'm an excellent masseuse. I was once paid $20 to give someone a massage. 
25. I love Jesus. He's my first love. 

So there you go. 25 things. 

That was oddly hard. 

So here I am. It's already the end of January. In two weeks I leave for India and I am terrified beyond anything at the thought of it all. I guess I'm using this entry as more of a "Oh my god" entry then anything else. 

I know it's not just me who feels like January is moving by at a speed that would make anyones head spin faster then Webster in his grave after the onset of lolcats. Or LoLcatz if you will. I don't know exactly how to spell it... which i suppose is the epitome of irony right there. 

You know what I love? Lemurs. Lemurs make my day just a little bit brighter. 

So there's this musician named Krissi and she's asked me to do a dance video for her. I'm intruiged. I might actually do it. I figure it could be fun. 

I was going to have a point to this entry, but I see that's all gone by the wayside in favour of randomness and more randomness. What a surprise. 

Maybe next time I'll have a point. 

Maybe. 

I doubt it though. 

In  a month, I'll be in India. 

Why is it that before a big, potentially life changing event, everything at home seems to get blown into a million pieces. It's a long difficult process to prepare for a long difficult process. 

Attack of the Han-ra-head shark

Man is this class boring. 

I took film because I thought it would be interesting. And it would be... but why is a class with so much promise wasted? It's almost joke like. Our teacher is a great man. He's nice and he's invested in his students (as much as can be of course) but when the man drones on for over an hour before even starting to talk to the movie, it makes things more then a little ridiculous. 

I want to like this class. As all of you who have followed this blog know, I work at Blockbuster. More then anything I want to be an actor. Movies are one of the most important things to me, right up there with pizza and Jesus, but if I fall asleep before he even puts the movie on, how can I be expected to care about the movie I'm watching after? 

Given some of the movies we've watched have been enjoyable. Citizen Kane to this day remains one of my favorite movies  of all time. 

1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

2. Labyrinth

3. Nightmare Before Christmas

4. Josie and the Pussycats

5. Citizen Kane

See. It's right there under the Pussy's. 

The only thing that prevents this course from being a must take, is the  fact that our teacher can't keep his mouth closed for ten minutes without telling us what he had for breakfast that morning and the after effects of the soup on your perception of a movie. 

It's crazy. He's crazy. 

Thank god for Cheryl, and Kylie, for making it possible to get through. 

No one will ever argue that you deserve better than me. It just kills me that you found it. 

Ever had one of those days where you just feel like you've failed? Has it ever lasted more then a day? How about a week? What about longer? What if you've had this feeling for as long as you could remember? 

Well for me, it thankfully hasn't been that long, but ever since I came back home from Toronto I've felt this way. I've felt as if I'm taking a step back in my life. It's as if everything I want out of life, is somewhere else, or passing me by, or is so unattainable that I can't even begin to grasp at it. It's like I'm one step behind destiny, and too short to get picked out of the crowd. 

I have a sad addiction, which I'm pretty sure stems from this feeling. I've always felt inadequate in many ways, but recently, I've got this awful burning desire to be noticed. Noticed by someone, anyone... Just someone who sees who I really am. Every side of me, and can still appreciate it. Let's face it, I'm far from perfect. I've got issues a mile wide and twice as severe, but I suppose this is all a part of growing up. 

Anyway, here I am. One day away from going back to school, and totally, and completely... unsatisfied. 

I hate the idea of going back. I want to quit. I'm sick and tired of school already. I'm sick and tired of a job that I hate more by the week. I'm sick of being stuck in a nowhere town with no real futures here. I don't want to do retail for the rest of my life, but that's all that's here. So what do you do? 

Well it's too late to leave school, so I might as well finish what I started. As for next year... well I guess we'll have to play this whole thing by ear now.